GIVE ME YOUR MONIES

To Whom it May Concern:

I am currently unemployed and living in New York City. I really need a job. I had a job, but it really sucked so I applied for another one, was made an offer, but because I can't remember exactly which months I worked at my part time job in college, my offer was rescinded. This has resulted in my current jobless state.

New York has a way of eating the unemployed, and I'm really trying to avoid that.

If I don't find gainful employment soon, I will be kicked out of my apartment and will be homeless. As summer is coming soon and I am very pale, this is not ideal for me. I would probably have to live in the subway tunnels with all of the mole people, and they scare me.

Here some highlights from my Resume:

EDUCATION:

I have a degree in classical vocal music performance and even completed one semester of grad school at one of the best conservatories in the world. Do you need someone that is capable of analyzing Stravinsky's Petrushka, showing how it is his first foray into modernism and how it reflects an increasing movement towards dissatisfaction and darkness in classical music and modern ballet? I'm your girl.

I took a class on Existentialism in college and can write you a paper on the existential themes in the film "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". That's worth at least 40K a year with benefits, right?

Also, if you need someone to analyze your "god image", I can do that too. I took a class on Psychology and Religion and we spent a few weeks on Jung and what people's drawings of god mean... here's mine. I'll analyze it for you in our interview.
WORK EXPERIENCE:

Here's why you're really going to want to hire me. I have held every type of job imaginable and most of them for a year or less. I was a manager at blockbuster in college. Don't ask me when, I was pretty drunk the whole time and can no longer remember the exact dates of my employment... this has caused problems for me (see above).

I worked as a tele fundraiser as part of my work study in college. That's a fancy way of saying that I called alumni of my liberal arts college and harassed them for money that they don't have. To be fair, I was actually pretty good at this. I've always been good at convincing people to give me money, maybe the gun helped.

Most recently I've been working as a secretary for a little three person office in Manhattan. My job was so important that when I quit they decided to eliminate the position entirely, so that will give you some indication of how much time I had actual work to do and how much time I spent on facebook.

OTHER SKILLS:

I am proficient in Italian, French, and German. Grant it, my vocabulary is that of someone that lived in the 1850s, as all of my knowledge comes from Opera scores. But, you will find that my communication is very poetic.

I give pretty decent blowjobs, and in another week or so will have very little shame.

I look forward to meeting you in person, if there is anything you need in the meantime, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Sincerely,

Unemployed Manhattan Dweller