GIVE ME YOUR MONIES

Since becoming an unemployed bum I have made the decision to stick to my normal work schedule hours, which involves waking up early enough that my eyes feel like they are bleeding when I roll out of bed.  This serves a two fold purpose:

1. It keeps me in the "habit" of business hours so that in 10 months, when I finally get a job, it won't be such a shock to wake up early. 
2. It reminds me how much I hate myself for not having a job to go to.

My coping mechanism for early morning eye bleeding is copious amounts of coffee so strong that the hair on your chest becomes sentient and decides to conquer the rest of your body hair.  About halfway into my second pot of meth coffee, I finally figured out how I'm going to make money.  The idea came to me after seeing that my blog has two "followers".

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to start a cult.  Think about it!  It's brilliant!  I'm charismatic!  I've always been good at convincing people to do things that go against their better intuition.  How hard would it be to convince a group of people to sign over all of their worldly possessions to me and then take their own lives?

I googled "how to start a cult" and found this handy step-by-step guide!


Step 1: Decide on a belief system. Cult members like to have something to follow and devote their lives. Common topics include obscure Biblical passages, space aliens and the belief that centers on the next Messiah.

I thought long and hard about mystical beings, religious dogma, and the next Messiah and came up with the best mystical being for my cult to follow: my pug.  Let's be honest, the fact that pugs have survived for hundreds of years is a mystery to EVERYONE.  They have no depth perception, their eyes look in different directions, they have serious breathing problems, if their wrinkles aren't cleaned regularly their faces get infected, and to top it all off my pug also happens to be an epileptic.  The only way that she could possibly be living is because of mystical powers.

So, step one: Check.  I have the basis for my cult.  My pug is the next Messiah and commands all to give up their worldly possessions and follow her in becoming so relaxed that you too will have skin loose enough to pull up over your own skull.

Step 2: Set up a compound and recruit members. The compound ideally is set on a large plot of land in a rural location. Draw members from other marginalized groups--outcasts make the perfect cultists.

That's easy.  I have a friend whose family owns a huge amount of land in upstate new york.  It's perfect.  There's a barn, fields, and a huge house with many bedrooms.  I'm sure her parent's wouldn't mind if I borrowed it for a few months to lure everyone into a state of complacency and then gently suggest that their Pugssiah would like them to end their own lives.  And they know me well enough to know that I won't leave a mess behind, I'll pay for a darn good clean up crew.

As far as who I'll recruit, I think I'll go with hipsters.  There's a couple of reasons for this:

• They are already used to pretending to be poor, despite the fact that their parents pay for everything.  They won't mind living meagerly in a compound and they'll be able to give me all that money they get from their parents.
• They will totally be down with following the teachings of an ugly dog.  They will mistakenly call it "ironic".
• NO ONE WILL MISS THEM WHEN THEY ARE GONE.

Step 2 ACCOMPLISHED.


Step 3: Demand that cult members disavow all other belief systems. Cultists must completely buy into the doctrine of the cult they join. Insist that members not publicly display any doubts about the validity of the cult leader and teaching.

Hipsters have no belief system.  They will love insisting to other "misguided" people that it is just as rational for them to follow a pug as it is for others to follow a guy that was nailed to 2x4s and came back as a zombie.

Step 4: Create and live by a preset system of social norms. Typical society doesn't appeal to a cult's members, so take their flexibility and run with it. Allow the leader to practice polygamy or instruct everyone to sleep on a bed of nails. Shun technology or live on a diet of lemonade and licorice.

Oh my god.  Can you see why hipsters are PERFECT for this???  I will insist that they shave their entire bodies (I don't think I can stand to live in a sea of handle bar mustaches), I will make them all wear business suits (which they will find ironic and therefore LOVE), and have them live on a diet of non-organic hot dogs.

Step 5: Sever ties with the outside world. Closing the lines of communication between cult members and their families on the outside lessens the risk of being deprogrammed. Eliminating contact also allows cult leaders to tightly control the amount of information members get about world events.

Here's where I run into my first real road block.  I haven't quite figured out how I am going to get the iphones out of the hands of the hipsters.  They are all going to want to tweet and blog about the goings on in the cult.  However, I'm starting to think this isn't such a bad thing.  Since so many New York hipsters have followers in small podunk towns, they may be able to convince them that following the Pugssiah is what they should all be doing.

So, that's the plan for my cult!  Now to create and disseminate some good old fashioned propaganda.  Anyone up for helping me to put posters up in Williamsburg this weekend?  IT WILL PLEASE PUGSSIAH.