Okay, you guys, I don't want to sound alarmist or paranoid or anything but...
A PIGEON IS TRYING TO KILL ME.
It started simply enough. About a week ago, a pigeon started hanging out on the ledge outside of my living room window. I didn't really think much of it, there are pigeons all over the damn place in this city. In fact, if my dog Six hadn't been spending so much time whining at the window because she wants to get a nice long sniff of the flying rat's ass (HEY, IS THAT WHERE THAT EXPRESSION COMES FROM???) I probably wouldn't have noticed it.
A few days ago things started getting weird. I would come in from the other room, and I could SWEAR that I saw the bird staring into the windows... watching me. And then, the other day, it's gentle "cooing" went from "coo... coo... coo..." to "coo... coo... ciii... kiii... killl... kill... kill...".
I chalked it up to going crazy with depression over not having a job yet... kind of like Jimmy Stewart in "
Rear Window"(oh wait, HE WASN'T CRAZY, THAT DUDE WAS REALLY A MURDERING FUCK-HEAD).
"You're absolutely right, Sarah, that pigeon *IS* out to get you!"
"Thanks, Jimmy Stewart."
Wednesday was when the pigeon made it's move.
It was about 5:00 in the afternoon. I was sitting at my computer looking up ways to kill myself applying for jobs when all hell broke loose. My windows were open because I had convinced myself that I was nuts to be afraid of a pigeon, and I was attempting to prove to myself that it was merely looking to shit on my ledge for a little while. The pigeon flew into my living room. This, of course, caused my dogs to LOSE THEIR SHIT.
My living room was a scene of complete panic on all counts. I was attempting to shoo the bird back out of the window because I didn't want it to crap on the floor. Six was gleefully jumping 6 feet in the air, snapping at the bird's tail feathers, thinking it a new flying toy that I had obviously purchased for her. Puggy was the only one to recognize the obvious evil of the bird and began to growl fiercely as she hid under my coffee table. The bird flew at my head in an obvious attempt to decapitate me.
I managed to grab a broom and send the bird flying back out of my window, defeated...
I hysterically relayed my near death experience to friends who assured me that I was out of my goddamn mind and that it was just a confused bird. Despite seeing the malice in the eyes of my attacker, I admitted that it could have just been a coincidence. Maybe the bird was just stupid and flew into my apartment mistakenly and couldn't figure out how to leave because it was afraid of my dog eating it. I began to be lulled back into a sense of complacency.
I went to buy a bag of dog food and when I came back to my building, looked up at my apartment windows, and saw this:
"coo... coo... ciii... kiii... killl... kill... kill..."
Someone has sent this bird to get me. I was attacked by a flock of pigeons when I was 15... it was in Italy, a gypsy set them loose on me. I wish I was kidding, there were witnesses. I've been trying to think if I've pissed of any gypsies lately, but I can't think of any that I've run across. Though, gypsies are pretty sneaky, it could have been an incognito gypsy.
The other possibility is that the mole people have gotten wind of my current financial state and have sent the bird (everyone knows that pigeons are the mole people's
familiars) to see if I am capable of battling and taming pigeons in preparation of me joining there ranks.
The bird is still there... watching me... stalking me... waiting for me... my windows are closed now, but the weather is getting warmer. I'll keep you updated, but if you don't hear from me for a while, send help and tell them to bring
a gun full of birdshot.
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